Friendzone

So I guess you can’t be friends with someone when you have romantic feelings after all.

I’ve tried and all I have to show for it is hurt and shame. I’ve lost all trust in her and I don’t even know if the loss is justifiable…that’s how screwed up things are, I can’t even trust my own feelings.

She was great, sometimes….and sometimes well i don’t even know?

Ignore me here, talk to me there…..wtf is that all about?

I went and brought her some flowers, but she said she never got them. I know she was home when I dropped them on her doorstep (it was supposed to be a nice surprise after she had a rough night), I heard her dogs barking, the same dogs she was taking back to her Mom’s that day.  So maybe she didn’t see the flowers in the doorway, or maybe she just pretended she didn’t see them. I’ll honestly never know….

I really began to question myself when she straight up ignored me for like two weeks while she was at her Moms. We talked pretty regularly when she first left, and then I hit her up and with no response for like two weeks. I knew she was busy, but come on. The least she could have done was say “hey I’m real busy I’ll get back in to you in a couple of weeks”, but no that 5 second text wasn’t worth sending.

To me that was a giant F. U., and then it didn’t make me feel any better when she didn’t tell me she was back, which normally I could understand, but still feeling ill from being ignored I got even more frustrated. It was becoming clearer that I cared too much for my own good.

I decided to just come out with it and let her know how I felt about her, and tried very hard to understand where she was coming from. (Just wanting to be friends, still hurting from past relationship and so on).

At first I was all ears, truly believing her, but more and more as time passed, I began to believe she just told me that stuff so she could spare my feelings and not have to tell me the she wasn’t interested in more than just friendship.

It took some time, but I began to accept that as fact and tried to come to terms with my unresolved feelings. I wanted some space, but instead of following my gut and doing what I knew I needed to do by cutting ties with her so my feelings could die down (if that’s even possible) I didn’t. I caved. We went out, saw show, got drunk, and hooked up.

Enter even more confusion, but she cleared things up real fast when she said “I was just horny.”

What a nice thing to say to someone who has romantic feelings towards someone.

Those words cut real deep and all I heard was “your nothing to me…I would have hooked up with anyone at that point…You were just a toy that I could use for my own self pleasure regardless of how it might affect you…”

Maybe it wasn’t like that, but that’s how it felt to me.

It hurts because my feelings for her were still the same. As hard as I’ve tried I still can’t turn them off.

So when she said that we can’t go out to bars or clubs, or never invited me to hang out with her other friends, or referred to me as the guy she cheated on her ex with when she talked about me to others, or broke plans a million and one times on me… I began to feel insignificant. The confusing part was when she would tell me how special I was to her.

Guess no one ever told her actions speak louder than words.

Because of my feelings and the way things have gone down from my perspective, I admit, I have been different. Ever since she told me that hanging out with me reminds her of the times she was cheating on her BF, which made her feel sad and guilty, I knew I had to try and distance myself from her. But could I?

I began to purposely try and avoid her, to no avail. I had purposely been mean so that maybe she would leave me alone or decide I wasn’t worth the time, but I couldn’t maintain and fell weak to my strong feelings for her, despite our roller coaster relationship. For some reason I can’t just let go…

And then came the last day we talked, or more accurately, fought.

I was excited to see her, but at the same time I knew I was still trying to push her away, hence the vulgar talk, asking her to hook me up with her friend and other things. She probably didn’t care or notice, but I had truly hoped saying that stuff would make her angry, jealous, or better yet both. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling.

And then came the flip. She canceled on me right as I was on my way over. She said someone was coming to do some maintenance or install something in her apartment….at like 9 p.m. on a Sunday night. Whether her reason was true or not I’ll never know, but my trust was so bruised that I couldn’t believe her no matter how hard I’d try. It seemed so shady to me, like when we last hung out and she said, “…I’m going to Alexandria, VA to…oh never mind I forgot.”

Weird?!?!

And when I asked what she was going to say she avoided the question. All I could think was why is she going to Alexandria? Why won’t she tell me what she was going to say? Bet she’s going to see some dude or something. I can understand if she was trying to spare my feelings, but the way she went about it made me even more frustrated.

Sometimes brutal honesty is better than no honesty….

So I figured what I was told about the maintenance man was B.S. I mean she made it quite clear already that we could only hang out at her house on her terms with neither any of my friends or her friends, so maybe she just wanted to go out and have some fun with other people, other guys? I’ll never know.

But what I do know is that someone keeps you close because they like hanging out with you no matter when, where, or how. If person only wants to hang in certain types of situations then you and that person are not really close at all. You can be a million and one other things, but friends are not like that, and that’s truth.

At this point I have no faith or the strength to believe what she says anymore…even though I want to.

I have no strength to be the bigger man this time, and for that I am ashamed.

I know I have said mean and hurtful things to her and for that I am sorry.

I can’t change the way I feel then or now. It just saddens me because I don’t see her the as the sweet, kind, pretty, smart woman I once was head over heels for and truly cared about….and for that I am truly sorry….

Welcome To The Treme

Often I ask myself what is the meaning of this? Not life itself. Not the disasters that often plague the least fortunate and the most deserving of a helping hand. Not even the very real personal tragedies of loss that so often rear their heads upon the kindest loveliest souls. But, instead I wonder about the moment. Every moment from this one to the next has meaning and for all my intelligence and logical thinking I very often cannot find it. I well up with the most fantastic and moving emotions that bring me to tears of joy when I hear the solemn Jazz of New Orleans heartbreak. A sense of astonishment and admiration perks in my soul when the people who, despite having nothing, give everything to make someone else’s life better. And yet just as often I feel sadness. Not for me so much, but for all the pain I see others endure. Inspiration often comes from this sadness but, like the last flicker of light from a candle that has burned down to its end this inspiration fades into the darkness. It is forgotten because this world and its people are all forgotten. We are forgotten like the people who still live in FEMA trailers. We are forgotten like those children left parent less in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. We are forgotten like the sad souls of loved ones conveniently tucked away in nursing homes and half way houses. We are forgotten like all those who voted and still do not have their voices heard. We are forgotten like the people who live on the Cook Inlet of Alaska, still reeling from the effects of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. We are forgotten like the child soldiers of Libya. We are forgotten like the many faces that pass by, smile and then continue on. We are forgotten and the universe will continue to move forward whether we are here or not.

Yet there is always that flicker in every moment that deserves to be remembered and if you take the time you can keep it alive. It doesn’t take anything more than you and if you take that moment and cherish it, then life becomes beautiful. It’s easy for us to say “my life sucks”. “I don’t have what I want” or “things could be better”, but we must be real. Things could always be better and things will always be worse. But, to lose the appreciation of the very moment is to throw away everything that has happened before it and that will happen after it. I, like all of us have the most difficult time appreciating these moments. They aren’t hard to recognize yet, they are so fleeting they often pass by before I even realize they exist. And for this I apologize to those that would wish to be able to cherish these moments. If I can offer anything at all it is that I am trying to change this.

Legends are forged from the actions of these moments. Fables are spawned out of life. Stories that inspire are cultivated from these moments like crops from soil made rich from the spilt blood, sweat, and tears of those that dared to fight for what they believe in. These moments must not be forgotten. But what are they? They are everywhere, all of the time. They are in the eyes of a lover before you fall off to sleep. They are in the smiles of amputees who find a purpose to be. It is in the rhythmic sound of rain falling on tree leaves. It is in the soft snow fall on a cold night where silence is the only sound that can be heard. It is in the music of the Treme after the Saints won the Super Bowl. It is in the anticipation that builds before the whistle blows prior to the first match of a World Cup. It is in the hugs that come from friends. It is in the smile of that stranger across the bar. It is the smells that are so familiar. It is in the laughter. It is in the pain. It is in the joy. It is you. It is me. It is everything we do and every moment that passes. In these moments the meaning is there, but the meaning is not to forget or the moment and all the moments from this one to the next will be lost. So remember, appreciate, and take stock, no matter what this moment may bring because there is meaning there and it’s up to us to remember that.

Why Do They Hate US?

Consider this. Waking up normally in the morning. Doing your everyday morning rituals whatever they may be.  Then on through the rest of your day. All the while in the comfort of knowing you are safe. Safe from the pressures of another nation telling how you should live and why they are so much better than you. Some nations aren’t that lucky.

As Americans we all at some level take our liberties for granted. Our way of life is so good that an air of arrogance has filtered into the hearts and minds of many in America. This hubristic nature of ours is causing our country real problems with the rest of the world. Long touted as a beacon of hope amongst the backdrop of a dangerous and wild world. Today many of our brothers and sisters abroad see us as a bully who likes to rattle its saber and pick on the little guy. This is an embarrassing situation. As a nation with such power we should not have to impose ourselves on other nations so vagrantly.

Imagine if a foreign power, lets say Iraq were to have a large military base here in Baltimore. That presence would begin to have strong psychological effect on the population in and around Baltimore. The thought is very unsettling. A constant reminder that there is another country more powerful and consequently dangerous.

This would be the situation if you lived near Ramstein Air force Base in Germany or any of the other bases in Saudi Arabia, Iraq, or Afghanistan just to name a few. So why do we need these bases. They must be expensive to maintain. They damage our foreign image and incite a psychological warfare on those unlucky enough to live in a country with another country’s occupying military force is present.

The true reason for these bases is they are staging grounds around the world for wars that may or may not have to be fought. Don’t be fooled by the government’s claim that it’s for the foreign land’s protection. That is smoke screen for our government’s imperialistic nature. Just look at what is going on in the illegal war being fought with Iraq. Much of this was staged from bases in other counties not our own. All the more reason people would fear us. Why wouldn’t they entertain the thought that they might be next?

Machiavelli asked the question whether it’s better to be loved or feared. This is the fork in the road that our country is at. Presently our administration has believed in scaring the world into submission. A fundamentally wrong position. And it has cost us dearly, most specifically with the attacks on 9/11.  Our country’s foreign policy is in serious need of change. We our no longer #1. No one is. As a matter of fact there is no #1 or #600. We are all in this together.

Here are my proposals. Withdraw our troops from other countries. Close the bases. We no longer need them. Give that land back to the rightful owners. Say goodbye and never look back.

Think about how much money has been spent on the war on terror. Unjustified spending to say the least. Think what those billions of dollars would have done in terms of FEMA relief for hurricane Katrina victims. Or how many homeless mouths would have been fed or medical breakthroughs in fatal disease research.

Let us lead by example. This is the new pledge. Fix our problems first. Take time to ensure some level quality for every last person in our wonderful nation. Ensuring everyone will be able to read, have food and a home these are the issues of importance. As well as developing alternative power forms and providing security within our borders. If we could focus our attention on these issues the rest of the world would notice and if they wanted we could tell them how we did it, not force it upon them just offer an explanation. And if they chose to follow suit then fantastic, if not then truth is really found in diversity.  This is the path to not just save our nation, but to save the entire world.

As Technology Turns

As technology, despite my greatest attempts, forces me to approach my life differently almost every day, I often like to sit down and re-establish what is truly making things better and what really is just wasting my time. For example I see all these teenagers of 13 and 14 with flashy cell phones and the knowledge of how to use them. I think back to how only ten years ago when pagers were just as popular as cell phones are today. Immediately after that thought I remembered how I was one of those teenagers who didn’t have a pager and nor did most of my friends. A few of my friends did have pagers, but as I look back I remember not really needing one. I had a little black book of sorts that fit nicely in my wallet where I kept all my contacts phone numbers. If I needed to make a phone call I would use my house phone or a pay phone, which was readily available, provided you had a quarter. In contrast to today it seems to have been more difficult to reach out to people, but I do not remember any feelings that seem to have impeded my ability in this regard.

The reason I even bring this up is as an example of how technology is constantly changing the way in which humans exist. The internet is an even more relevant example of how technology is quickly changing many facets of society. It’s amazing to look at how quickly things have evolved. Remember dial-up? After having high speed internet I think I would rather die than have to wait for a page to load that slowly. I wouldn’t even dare to imagine how long I would be waiting, unable to receive phone calls, if I tried to download a large video or audio file. Interestingly, this is the first moment that it appeared that I would actually need a cell phone. But thanks to technology fast information exchange is now the standard on the binary highway. But, now it seems that this highway is becoming jammed up with electronic rubberneckers, who instead of using the internet as a way to raise the level of society towards a utopia, they have spammed themselves into an internet traffic jam with no relief in sight.

Like millions of others who frequent the internet I have fallen into the virtual world of online socializing, that is Myspace. The way in which I came across this website was in the same way that I come across most of the things that I don’t need. Through others saying that they “just can’t believe I don’t have one”. Then the question is annoyingly followed by the comment, “you should really get one, it’s so cool.” As if my coolness took a nose dive because I was out with friends instead of leaving messages about we need to hang out more.

And that’s how it went with Myspace. My sister a student at Loyola University in Baltimore was the culprit this time. So after much nagging about the subject of why I should have a Myspace I finally gave in and decided to join this online populace.

I sat down one evening at my computer the summer before leaving for the University of Maryland in Baltimore County and began to see what the whole fuss was about. I typed myspace.com into the address bar on my browser and was whisked away on the binary bi-way of 1’s and 0’s to the Myspace page. I was greeted with colorful writing welcoming me to Myspace. There also were small thumb nail pictures of “cool new people” who had just joined the community. There were a few advertisements among the text and pictures, but as a frequent internet user I had become accustomed to such things and paid them no more than a brief look over. The homepage intrigued me. It seemed benign, exciting and my intrigue was certainly raised. I clicked on the link that said browse. I was planning on finding my sisters profile to really see what this Myspace was all about. Directly after clicking on the link, I was taken to a screen that prompted me that I needed to be logged in to look at other peoples profiles. Realizing that I needed to actually create an account I began by submitting my e-mail address and choosing a password.  Once I could properly log in, I was taken through a series of prompts letting me fill in information about myself so those who view my profile can see who I am. I found the experience to be exciting. The way in which the site was built seemed to be very interesting and I was excited about the possibility of making new connections with people. After handling the basic setup I decided to try the browsing option again.

I decided to search the community for UMBC students, since I was very close to actually being part of that community in the real world. I wanted to see what the student body consisted of and maybe even find people that I would like to meet personally. To my surprise a large number of profiles came back after my initial search. I thought it was great. I mean here I am, in New York and I already am able to get a feel for who I would be attending the University with. My excitement was really peaked at this point. I clicked on the first profile of a girl whose headline name was “Eye Candy” and began to check out the profile. I was really blown away. Her page looked nothing like mine. She had music and a cool background and graphic affects that really made her page pop. As the first few waves of excitement passed I began to feel a little like I did prior to having a Myspace profile; left out. I had a profile, but it looked quite boring in comparison to “Eye Candy’s” and my sister’s profile as well. So while part of the community finally, I still felt like the freshman on the first day of high school waiting for some beefy looking senior to stuff me in my locker. I was still an outsider. I decide that I needed to add some flavor to my profile and over the course of the next few weeks I tweaked and tailored my page to what I thought was good representation me, as an on-line community member.  I also began trying to make friends by sending messages to those whose profiles I found interesting and to my surprise some actually responded. At this point I was completely sold on the idea of Myspace. I thought to myself, “wow, what a wonderful concept”. And I had fun too. Searching and browsing, seeing who was out there in Myspace land. I was fully prepared to ride the Myspace bandwagon all the way and for the next months I most certainly did.

Flashing forward a year, I still had my profile however, I had revamped it a few times and it looked quite different from when I first began participating in the community. By this time I had established a base network of Myspace socialites and was enjoying posting photos and comments on people’s profiles. I was even able to find friends with whom I had not spoken with in a few years and was actually able to re-establish some very valuable friendships that I had thought were lost forever.

One day after class I sat down at my computer like I always did to check my Myspace, e-mail and my Facebook profile (Myspace for students). I had a message in my inbox on my Myspace and I like I always did I opened it, excited about the possibilities of the message. My excitement was quickly halted because as soon as I clicked on the message I unleashed, according to my computer wiz roommate, “the nastiest virus he had ever seen.” I’m and not exaggerating. The Geek Squad couldn’t even fix this one. My computer was so screwed up that I actually had to purchase a new one. Needless to say I was quite pissed off.

I deleted my profile and vowed never to use Myspace again. But who am I kidding. I’m a social butterfly at heart and can’t let the opportunity of meeting new people slip by me. With a new sense of awareness I created a new profile and began to re-establish my network of friends. It was a bad experience, but I’m not one to let one bad experience rain on my parade. I’m going to keep right on marching. And so I did.

Another year has passed and my march has turned to a crawl at best. Whatever magic Myspace compelled me with has certainly worn off. Where I used to spend a few hours on the web site, I now only spend a few minutes and that is just to check my messages or to see if I have any new friend requests. If no, I quickly hit the x tab on my browser and move on to more important things. Like life.

And that’s how things are. It reminds me of an article that I read saying this Myspace community was a passing fad that will fizzle out as quickly as it flared up. I would have to agree. I remember friends’ profiles that used to change quite regularly. Now these same pages haven’t been altered in months, much like my profile. I am not quite sure exactly why others have began to use Myspace less and less, but for me it is definitely because the luster has left. The excitement is just not there. I almost feel as if the others who use Myspace have found the next new cool thing to play around with and forgot to send me the memo. In either case I’m not too concerned. I have a huge amount of things to occupy my mind and Myspace has fallen into the genre of a passing fad for me, as I imagine it has for many of its users. Where I used to get messages from friends is now filled with messages from porn websites and fake profiles and I just don’t have the desire to leave messages on people’s pages anymore. If I want to talk to someone I’ll call them on my cell phone. If I didn’t have a cell phone I’d call them on my house phone. No problem.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that like the cell phone or the pager before that, technology is great at making things more convenient. However, as soon as the fresh paint begins to fade a little our society quickly tries to find the next new cool thing to replace it with. This string of fads seems like progress towards something good, but I think they are detours on the path to what’s really important. Forget the glitz and glamour for a second. Don’t worry about keeping up with technology. It’s impossible. Most importantly do not let these things define you. I would still be cool without a cell phone. I just wouldn’t be able to tell everyone right then and there. I would have to find a payphone. It’s natural to let fads wash over you and to enjoy the benefits of. I certainly do, but once that fad has ran its course the goal is to still be standing with the integrity of a strong tree whose roots run too deep to be washed away in the flood. That is what is important.

Part 3

the Princess and the Toad

the New found Path

Or the Old safe Road

The Pocket rockets

or the Hand you have to Fold

the one you Love to loathe

the ones you Hate to hold

the Ones that help make your Mold

the ones that Burn hot and Fizzle cold

the Lead and the Gold

such a Heavy head to Hold

Part 2

From the look in her eye

I see she wanna crush all night

Pouring Glenlivi over ice

two cubes

make sure you do it right

toast to a Slainte’

then its on to the Bombay

Sapphire with some grapefruit juice

down a couple

then I started feeling loose

Chase it with the Goose

Dash of tonic

smoking bomb chronic

Cuz the party’s hitting freak mode

sensory overload

Part 1

The fingers stroking Ivory

Smooth as silk coated Isleys

driving down the highway

Stuck on the high beams

Scent of vanilla Dutch and sour jack

call um sour sacks

gotta bring it back

take two and pass

Return of the Mack

with alligator polo’s

nice jeans with a sag

a lightly tilted Yankee hat

and an attitude to match

the cool guy

the NY

the love to get high

the read books all day

and the ask why

the always speaking with my minds eye

Yes, I’m do or die

You fools and Your lies

Cant get no satisfaction

I go

you go

we flow

like water

crystal clear

your cheek so near

I can smell and taste

my hand around your waste

feel the rush with no haste

i feel the rush

keep a poker face

her body shocks like being tazed

shes got me amazed

body so tight

wanted to crush the first night

she plays it right

and ladylike

and keeps it real

with the right things in her life

just wish she was mine

The Liger and the Tigon

I saw the most sad abomination the other day. A Liger. A 900 lb animal that stood 11 feet tall with the jaw and skull structure of a lion. The Liger is the offspring of a male lion and a female tiger, while a Tigon is the offspring of a male tiger and a female lion noting the nomenclature. Its coat had the classic golden color with faded tiger like stripes along its body. The Liger lacked the beautiful mane that have made lions such powerful images throughout history, from the Nimean to the MGM. The natural camouflage created by a tigers coat lacked potency.  If one has ever scene a tiger’s stripes then they know they’ve seen something amazing. Did you know that just like a human’s fingerprint can identify them, the facial stripes of a tiger can be used to identify it. These stripes have made the tiger the most deadly silent killer on land and on the Liger  the glorious and useful coat pattern was faded and ugly. You cant deny the amazing qualities of either of the two species. But when the beautiful qualities of these two majestic animals is mashed together in wayward high risk tom foolery, it becomes a sad scene indeed, In fact I had already seen this animal before on another documentary about big cats. It ultimately made the Liger out to be a bad genetic experiment. While massive in size and strength the Liger suffers from respiratory problems, and circulatory problems resulting in limited mobility. Hence in the wild the Liger would soon cease to survive. Probably eaten by a tiger or a lion as the irony continues. I thought to myself that this Liger was really sad. It could never hunt. On the second documentary the Liger fully grown and massive in stature, was drinking milk from a giant baby bottle. I was shocked, all those instincts bottled up and no way to release even if it wanted to. Poor thing.

What really got me going was the second time I saw this Liger being displayed on television, the program made the Liger seem as if it was the coolest new thing. I recognized the trainer and realized hey it was the same one.  Then I thought wait they’re lying to the kids. Shit  they almost had me fooled for a second.

It really got me thinking. Where is our information and exchange of this information occurring and additionally what are the differentations of quality as developed in the young of our and future generations. How can we asure people are not mislead. I bet a great number of young children saw the Liger and thought it was cool and just that spark alters perception enough that one might argue that the “Liger” of the next gen could already be on its way. Of course maybe not but, why just willingly let developing minds  be sent adrift by a bombardmant of halftruths. Sounds like a study maybe I could get paid.

All the things I see

All the things I see make me who I be,

Reflections of lipid pools stare back upon me

Experience is perception

Nothing more nothing less

So reflect a million faces

And hold on to the best

Its that time i think. What I is mean its time time for some action. I have to shit or get off the pot if you haven’t followed me yet. Where to find work?…this recession is killing me. Definitely did not see this coming after graduating college….perhaps I chose the wrong field, maybe I should have stuck with the plan of being a biologist, or economics, but I really like to write and i feel that all these fields need good writers. I guess I’ll keep looking and working on side projects. Sometimes its the only thing that makes me feel free. I’m putting hard work into something I care about and I’m seeing progress. If there is a problem with me its I probably want to and do try to do to much.  I can’t help it though its so  much fun to just walk into my room and record a fill onto my computer from just jamming over i tunes or to go play tennis, or ride my bike down to the harbor, i don’t know write write write. But here I am stuck loving what I doing but know its not stable enough….damn.

Time Time for some action

Its just time to make moves. Most of success now a days is bred through strong mental stability and preparation and with creative outlets I feel like the sword is sharp. Right now things are hard. Real hard for everybody. Even the athletes are feeling it. But things will get better…ya gotta have faith. Just ride out the hard weather and the sun will shine again. In the meantime I have to fight the flow of a recessive economy with all my effort to ensure I don’t get swallowed up in this green paper demon with Benjamin Franklin’s eyes. Maybe Fifa needs me there is a World Cup coming….